So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
