is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
