My Higher Power is John Stamos
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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