Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
