I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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