Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
time to smoke my breakfast
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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