Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
