i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can I color on your dick again?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
