I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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