so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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