I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
