I just threw up on my dentist
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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