She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
