Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
