Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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