So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
