Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
im on a boat
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