my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
