i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
