Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
