she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
