If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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