Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
