I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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