my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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