i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
