genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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