I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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