I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
