The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
