So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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