I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
