people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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