Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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