I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
