I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
