I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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