My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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