I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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