I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Your cock deserves a montage
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
