Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
