dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wish my penis had a tongue
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
