did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
