I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
