8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
