genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
