Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
