remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
