i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
