You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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