Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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