I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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