Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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